Thursday, December 26, 2013

DON'T GET IT TWISTED

We had a very Barrelassin' Christmas at my house. Food, fun, and family! Barrelassin' Momma received some special gifts that made her cry a little, but they were tears of joy. The kiddos were happy with their gifts and my mom, sister and husband all knocked it out of the park with all the great books I received! Do I go from extreme to another or what? I asked for and received Caroline Manzo's book, Let Me Tell You Something and Nikki Sixx's, The Heroin Diaries. And several more in between. They did, however, have to hook me up with a gift card for NeNe Leakes' book, Never Make the Same Mistake Twice, because they couldn't get their hands on a copy. I'll fix that! 

So anyway, don't you just love the shirt I'm wearing in this picture? Me too. Looks great on me huh? Now picture it a little later in the evening wrapped around my face with one arm stuck, half way over my head. Why you ask? Because that's what I looked like wearing it while sitting at my dining table surfing the internet and trying to make one of those smooth, quick moves that every woman has undoubtedly mastered within a year of her first time wearing a bra, to attempt to get my bra off without coming out of my shirt. It's an art. It's like our very own magic trick, and is typically an easy one. Not so much with this shirt. I know it wasn't the bra's fault- I've taken that same bra off numerous times the same way. The bra is a team player. The shirt is new, and hasn't quite learned the rules of living with me yet.

I've retraced all of my steps, and I did everything right. The shirt was definitely not cooperating. By the time it was over with, I actually felt somewhat violated. I had one arm in and one arm half out. The half arm out was stuck in an uncomfortable, not to mention unsightly position just above my head and hanging over the opposite side of my body. My hair was stuck to my face and I couldn't see a thing! I was running out of breath during the fight and my air supply was already limited at best. I even had my own hair in my mouth. 

I hadn't yet removed my false eyelashes , so when I did try to open my eyes, my lashes would rub the fabric of the shirt and try to bend backwards and stab me in the eye. I was very frustrated by the time I managed to save myself, and I'm still not quite sure how I did it. I tried to give up at one point and start over, but I never could get back to my original state. Somehow I managed to wrestle my way out just in time to actually see one of my own boobies hanging out over the top of my undershirt. It's a miracle nobody in my house witnessed this catastrophe, but to be honest, had anyone, even a stranger shown up, I would've begged them to please put an end to my misery. All the spinning in circles had made me a little dizzy and I had to get my bearings. I was exhausted!

One thing was very clear to me when I escaped...the Ultra Lite was not going to cut it; I was now going to need a stiff drink!

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)