Tuesday, November 19, 2013

DRUM ROLL, PLEASE! READY, SET, GROCERY SHOP!



Do you know that feeling when you're shopping for groceries and you're really not keeping an accurate count, you're just getting what you need while trying not to break the bank? Well, unless you're rich, of course you do. Here's the thing, there are certain things that absolutely have to be name brand products in my house. Not because we're poor snobs, and not because we care what anyone else thinks; believe me, we don't. But there are a few items that we can definitely tell the difference in the taste. Hell, there's actually some off brand products that we prefer the taste over the name brand.

Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh yeah, a lot of the items offer the lower price with the store's loyalty card and who can argue with that? Especially when you can earn fuel bucks for gas visits! So the problem is, well, the problem is that me and my barrelassin' husband are nuts. We go barrelassin' through the grocery store, trying to get what we need and get out without taking out a second mortgage on our home or having a stroke. Both would make us very bitter people.

So we go through all of this, always pretending our budget is a lower number than it is, so that we don't have to add heart attack to the previous list when we are given a final total by the cashier, and then knowing the whole time that we have invented a fake number so we can go over anyway. I told you, we're nuts and I haven't even told you the craziest part of our shopping trip.

We reach the check out lane, we start placing the items on the revolving black belt- always in perfect order, by categories, like all the cold together, the meat, the cheeses, the cupped containers of cold items, the boxes, the cans, the jars, the paper products and household products, all so that it will be bagged together the appropriate way. Okay, he probably doesn't put as much effort into that as I do, maybe it's just me, but it's not difficult to do, so it's not like I'm spending a lot of time on this procedure.

Anyway, here's where we unite; we become a team, one-hundred percent, no questions asked. As we start piling out groceries up there, an unsuspecting cashier asks if we have a Value Card and here's where we sock it to them. "Ummm, yes, I will just have to dig it out. One of us pretends to search for it as the other one completes the loading of the groceries. We don't rotate or anything, it just works itself out depending on who is standing where or the situation. Clearly the cashier isn't going to wait until our stupid butts find out card, so he/she continues ringing us up, and wouldn't ya just know it, right about the time they swipe the last item, we find our discount loyalty card. Why? Other than because we're stupid? Because it's more fun. We like it so much better when we see the discount taken off at the end of the sale. My husband always does thing where he grabs his heart like the total is going to kill him, and then he hands over the card. Only in our minds do we hear an actual drum roll as we see the card swiped, in slow motion of course, just for the effect, and then the real total after all discounts is revealed and we can smile and laugh and be jolly. This is how we get our adrenaline rush. This is our version of jumping out of a plane I guess.

I had a cashier tell me one time, not because of anything I was doing, just in conversation,  that the computer works faster or something if the card is read first. We don't care, it will just have to cost everyone involved a few extra seconds so we won't have to go sky-diving.

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)