Sunday, October 20, 2013

IF YOU'RE GOING TO CARVE ME LIKE A PUMPKIN- AT LEAST MAKE ALL MY TEETH PERFECTLY STRAIGHT

Well this week started off all wrong. It started yesterday for me, which is a pretty bad sign considering yesterday was technically still a part of last week.

My husband is away on business. Not very far from home, thankfully, but still...away. I knew this wasn't going to be good for my health because, even though I know I am perfectly capable of holding down the fort- somewhere in the back of my mind I've convinced myself that I will not be able to function without him, which really translates into I'm just a big baby who knows how much she will miss her husband.  Now, the worst part is...he's actually still in the same town, but the almost week long meeting requires the company to stay at the same place and attend the activities planned. Oh wait, that's not the worst part at all...

My Barrelassin' husband had not even been home from work yesterday to pack his bag before my daughter, a high school freshman, was already trying to go on  a date with a senior football player. Just in case my memory of that age had failed me, I reminded myself that my youngest son IS a high school senior football player and his sole focus is not the well being of freshman girls, except for maybe the one he's dating, talk about ironic, and my daughter has no business being left in the hands of such young men. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this young man- I'm saying that boys his age don't typically tend to want to date a girl for her brains. In turn, this also means that he knows how to pick them, since she is currently displaying herself as someone who has completely lost her mind.

I had barely finished out the evening sending my husband off and feeling sorry for myself- moping around while trying to explain to her why dating a senior was unacceptable to me, when she messaged me from her bedroom, through social media and, very enthusiastically, said to me, "Let's get my bellybutton pierced!!" I may be way off base here, but I swear it feels a lot like my daughter was trying to see if she could give me a stroke before midnight. At this point, I'd rather turn back into a pumpkin-just carve a smile on my face and leave me be. And please don't do a hack job on me.

If the first evening was any indication to where the rest of this week is headed, I'm in big trouble. Right now we're aimed straight for the gutter, but if I can manage to stay strong, without having a stroke, I could get this train back on the right track. Even my oldest son asked my daughter what the heck happened to her at school yesterday. Then she pulled the smart card and reminded him that it was Saturday. Everything went foggy for only a second before I found a way to turn it around and use it against her. Ignoring the fact that my son didn't even know what day of the week it was, I found an "I'm smarter card" down deep within me and suggested that with all of her poor judgement yesterday- we should consider sending her to school on Saturdays as well. I can work on my son's day and time management next week, right now I have to focus on being Super Mom to a daughter who's got a pocket full of Kryptonite and is clearly not afraid to use it.

Today I feel like I have a massive hangover and I have absolutely no weird cellphone pictures or empty bottles to show for it. I'm creeping around my daughter trying not to make eye contact today, in case she really is trying to kill me. We've made it to early afternoon and she hasn't stolen my car or anything, but I'm bracing myself for her to announce that she's a pregnant stripper who ran away to live the life of her dreams in Vegas and now needs bail money and a plane ticket home since it didn't work out, by the end of the week. She just came in here and spoke to me directly- I was a little scared at first, but it tuns out all she wants is to go shopping for all new makeup. No doubt about it- she must want to join the circus.

And as far as my senior son dating a freshman girl- I'm not her parent. As far as I know their outings together have been to church.Wait a minute...is this Karma catching up to me so I can walk a mile in her parents' shoes? Oh man, please pray for my well-being and pray that my husband returns with my other glass slipper, and for the love of GOD...please let it fit!

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)