Saturday, October 19, 2013

CAUSE OF DEATH: DUSTING AND DATING MY DAUGHTER

Well-I've gone and done it now. I dusted the coffee table and end table. Let the sneezing begin. I don't know why I'm surprised; well, I'm not really, it's just that you'd think by now I'd have a plan in place. Like maybe...moving every time the house has to be dusted, or at least leaving the house until a team of dusters has come in and made it a dust-free home. It's not even like I swept; I was too afraid of the wrath of the dust-mite.

It never fails and it's a vicious circle. If I don't dust or sweep, well then... I'm rewarded with itchy, watery eyes, ears, nose and throat- and a sneezing fit that can be compared to ninja seizures 2.5 seconds apart. Since that's not a real thing, let me paint a picture for you: I go walking through the house, minding my own business and everything is perfectly normal. Then, in the blink of an eye, actually many blinks of both eyes, because it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open, I begin sneezing uncontrollably. My eyes begin to swell, itch and water, tears begin streaming down my face- I'm not sad and crying- I'm hanging on by a thread- my ears start to itch and my throat itches so bad that I have to scratch it by making a noise that most people would liken to the sound of, as my barrelassin' husband puts it, "hocking a loogy" But I'm not "hocking a loogy" I'm making a noise that makes a vibration, that in turn, eases the itching sensation in the back of my throat. It helps to hold Q-Tips in my ears at the same time.

If I do dust or sweep- all of the above happens exactly the same. I've had this problem for my entire life that I can recall. I thought I had a cold for all of my childhood- I never heard the word allergies until I was twelve years old and my eyes swelled up so bad I looked scary. My barrelassin' momma got up in the middle of the night and took me on what was the first of our many, many trips to the Emergency Room due to allergies. That was the first time I recall anyone mentioning allergies to me, so it's safe to say I wasn't one of those stereotypical kids with an inhaler for her allergies-that came much later; I was a kid that always had a cold.

It doesn't help that three of the top ten cities with the worst pollen and allergies for the fall season 2013 are all in Tennessee, two of them within an hour and two hours from me. And as luck would have it, I've read reports that this is expected to persist for at least the next decade. My town didn't make the top one hundred, but apparently it doesn't have to be the worst- I just have to be present in a house, and besides, I've managed to make sure I visited or driven through at least nine of the those top one hundred cities this year already and have plans to visit or drive through several of the other ones in the future. I'm self destructive that way. A rebel, if you will.

If you got the feeling you were losing me at any point during reading this, it's because you did. None of this is important to me anymore- I've been trying to write it all day long, since I actually did that dusting hours ago. Don't get me wrong, my allergies are really flaring up right now, but I've spent the better part of the day trying to explain to my daughter why I do not believe Freshman girls should date Senior boys. And not just why I disagree with it, but why over my dead body will I allow this. Fortunately for her, I will have to dust again soon- if I'm not the first person ever to die tonight due to complications from itchy eyes and throat syndrome, so she may get that date sooner than she thinks. I hope I won the lottery. I'm definitely going to need a maid and I'd much rather have to explain to my daughter why boys want to date her for her Momma's money.

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)