Monday, September 30, 2013

STEPHEN KING HAS NOTHING ON ME!

So I didn't sleep well last night due to my itchy, watery eyes, nose, and throat. I eventually had to take the Benadryl this morning, which lead to several moments of unconsciousness and small amounts of drool on my chin. Once I came to and collected myself, realizing of course I hadn't actually accomplished anything to brag about today, I made my way to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and scratched my ear with a Q-Tip while my four pound Chihuahua, Little George, tried talking to me in only a way that I can understand.

"What's that, George? You wanna go outside-side? No? You want a treat-treat? Still no?" And yes, George regularly goes outside-side, gets treat-treats (which is spelled in front of him if he's already had one too many) and goes for ride-rides. This is the way we have been speaking to George since he was born and it seems to keep clear lines of communication open between us and George.

Anyway- George continued to speak in George talk, scratch and claw at my feet and legs. I couldn't figure out what he wanted, but he only acts like this when he's trying desperately to tell me something. I have learned over the years to listen to him. When I couldn't get it right, I recalled "thinking" I heard a noise when I was digging in my ear with that Q-Tip. That's it! I heard a noise and George is trying to tell me something! There's clearly a serial killer hiding somewhere in the house!

Then I got a phone call, from what appeared to be a telemarketer's number. I wasn't ready to go get killed yet so I took the call. I still have no idea what company the man said he was calling from, even after having him repeat it twice, I only understood he wanted to know if I was interested in the program. He wasn't foreign, he was speaking English, he just didn't sound very professional.

Now I'm starting to put two an two together, or was it one and one? Anyhoo- it must be a fake call from the killer. Naturally he had help and was calling me from outside somewhere, and since there's no cell service out there, he must have tapped into a phone line, made it look like an 888 number, and wanted to know if I needed an alarm system, to see if I had one.  I didn't hear him say that, but I concluded that that must be what he had said.

After all, what else could that noise have been and what else could George be trying to tell me? I had comfort in knowing that my husband and children were on their way home, but decided I couldn't leave the kitchen since the killer had probably hidden somewhere in the rest of the house while I was cleaning my ears in the bathroom.

So I did what any normal gal would do- I sent my husband a text and told him to hurry home, George was trying to tell me something, I heard a noise and I was certain it was a serial killer already in the house, please bring McDonalds in case I live because I don't feel like cooking, and I kept my ass in the kitchen on the phone with my friends until my family arrived with my Big Mac.

All of this and it wasn't even dark yet! It's exhausting living in my head once the wheels start spinning. I'll tell ya-Stephen King has nothing on me. Once I hear the first noise I should just start writing it all down, and let the money pour in.

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)