Monday, September 30, 2013

STEPHEN KING HAS NOTHING ON ME!

So I didn't sleep well last night due to my itchy, watery eyes, nose, and throat. I eventually had to take the Benadryl this morning, which lead to several moments of unconsciousness and small amounts of drool on my chin. Once I came to and collected myself, realizing of course I hadn't actually accomplished anything to brag about today, I made my way to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and scratched my ear with a Q-Tip while my four pound Chihuahua, Little George, tried talking to me in only a way that I can understand.

"What's that, George? You wanna go outside-side? No? You want a treat-treat? Still no?" And yes, George regularly goes outside-side, gets treat-treats (which is spelled in front of him if he's already had one too many) and goes for ride-rides. This is the way we have been speaking to George since he was born and it seems to keep clear lines of communication open between us and George.

Anyway- George continued to speak in George talk, scratch and claw at my feet and legs. I couldn't figure out what he wanted, but he only acts like this when he's trying desperately to tell me something. I have learned over the years to listen to him. When I couldn't get it right, I recalled "thinking" I heard a noise when I was digging in my ear with that Q-Tip. That's it! I heard a noise and George is trying to tell me something! There's clearly a serial killer hiding somewhere in the house!

Then I got a phone call, from what appeared to be a telemarketer's number. I wasn't ready to go get killed yet so I took the call. I still have no idea what company the man said he was calling from, even after having him repeat it twice, I only understood he wanted to know if I was interested in the program. He wasn't foreign, he was speaking English, he just didn't sound very professional.

Now I'm starting to put two an two together, or was it one and one? Anyhoo- it must be a fake call from the killer. Naturally he had help and was calling me from outside somewhere, and since there's no cell service out there, he must have tapped into a phone line, made it look like an 888 number, and wanted to know if I needed an alarm system, to see if I had one.  I didn't hear him say that, but I concluded that that must be what he had said.

After all, what else could that noise have been and what else could George be trying to tell me? I had comfort in knowing that my husband and children were on their way home, but decided I couldn't leave the kitchen since the killer had probably hidden somewhere in the rest of the house while I was cleaning my ears in the bathroom.

So I did what any normal gal would do- I sent my husband a text and told him to hurry home, George was trying to tell me something, I heard a noise and I was certain it was a serial killer already in the house, please bring McDonalds in case I live because I don't feel like cooking, and I kept my ass in the kitchen on the phone with my friends until my family arrived with my Big Mac.

All of this and it wasn't even dark yet! It's exhausting living in my head once the wheels start spinning. I'll tell ya-Stephen King has nothing on me. Once I hear the first noise I should just start writing it all down, and let the money pour in.

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)

Sunday, September 29, 2013

I'M HAVING A SENIOR MOMENT, LITERALLY

Tomorrow I will accompany my middle son to have his senior pictures taken. First of all, he doesn't understand why I would want to be there and tried using the logic that he learned from me without even knowing it, that he's seventeen years old, he can do this on his own. I just used that one on him two nights ago when I asked him to get me a password that I needed from his school to view his grades online when he informed me that it would just be easier for me to call the school and ask for it myself- "But you're seventeen years old and there five days a week for hours at a time, why can't you ask for me?" I asked. That seems totally reasonable to me, but what the hell do I know?

This is my second time preparing for a child to graduate and thank GOD I had a two year break in between, because if the crying and roller coaster emotions aren't enough to keep you down, your bank account disappearing before your very own eyes for an entire year should definitely do the trick.

Why do I need to pay three-hundred dollars for a senior page that will in turn cost me another eighty dollars to look at? I own these damn pictures. I can see them anytime I want, so why do I feel the need to pay the extra money for everyone else to see them as well? Because they don't come over to look at my photo albums, I guess, and how else will they see how cute he has been from birth through now?

And tell me again why every time a photographer takes my child's picture, Walmart won't let me make copies without a release form from the photographer. He's my child! They should have to sign a release form to take his picture and get charged for it, too!

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)


PCH- SHOULD STAND FOR PUBLISHERS CLEAN HOUSE

I'm always waiting for Publishers Clearing House to show up at my house. Let's face it, we all want that to happen. But I can't help but think that if they showed up right this minute, I'd be more humiliated than excited. First of all, my hair's a mess. Nobody wants to be on TV, or see me on TV, looking like this.

What about the house? The driveway needs paving. They'd probably stop at the bottom of my driveway and have a discussion about whether or not it would be easier to pick a new winner or go four-wheeling to the top. Then once they got to the front door all I would be able to think about is if they notice the dishes in the sink, or the crumbs on the floor.

All I'm saying is that if you're planning on giving me $5,000 a week for life, I'd like a little notice. I love surprises and all, but let me fix my hair and put on some pants... and possibly meet you at someone else's already clean house.
Enjoy, Barrelassers :)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

JAKE E LEE- THAT METAL SHOW

So I thought I'd grab a beer out of the fridge to sip on. I get my beer and I'm casually walking through the living room where my Barrelassin' hubby is watching TV. Conversation is as follows:
BH: Jake E Lee is on That Metal Show.
Me: I see that.
BH: Look how good he still looks.
Me (very cool and casual): Yeah, I saw that, too.
BH: (laughing) Wait a minute...come back here.
Thank goodness he's not the jealous type and thinks I'm as funny as I think I am.
Enjoy, Barrelassers :)

Friday, September 27, 2013

THESE SHOES WERE MADE FOR WALKING? LATEST SHOE TRENDS? WHAT THE WHAAAA?

I would like to introduce you to my Barrelassin' cousin. Well, to her feet anyway. These are her feet at work this morning. I assure you it's not April Fool's Day, it's not even crazy shoe day at her place of employment, and she didn't do it on purpose. So how in the hell did this happen? She has no idea.

This girl got her butt up out of bed this morning, got ready for work, and not only did she put on two different shoes and leave the house...she didn't even notice it until she was walking into her office when the thought crossed her mind that her feet felt a little funny. These shoes look nothing alike. One has an open toe for crying out loud!! I would be willing to bet that they're different heights, too.

We are related in case you ever wonder how I got the way I am...it's all in the family.
This is the most fantastic thing that's happened all year long, and let's face it...I got to talk to Oprah Winfrey on the telephone as a call in on WWHL with Andy Cohen. This is right up there with talking to Oprah level of happiness. This is true happiness, looking at this photo makes me happy.
I wish it was a video...we'd be famous on Youtube!
Enjoy the hell out of this one, Barrelassers :)


ON THE ROAD...AGAIN PART 4

We left KC on our way back to Tennessee. Had to stop off  at the Hilton Garden Inn in Nashville for some sleep and a day of rest to catch up with some family.
Our tour is officially over!
Enjoy, Barrelassers :)
We're dang tired!

ON THE ROAD AGAIN PART 3

So we actually got to unpack in KC! We spent five nights here. Barrelassin Hubby had a conference, but we got in as much fun as we could between work and sleep.
The zoo is fantastic- and our hotel, The President by Hilton is absolutely beautiful. The Power and Lights District is where all the action is and within walking distance to all the best food and entertainment!
Enjoy, Barrelassers :)

ON THE ROAD AGAIN, PART 2

So we went from St. Louis to a Hampton Inn in Hays, KS. I was all too happy to know that I had a comfortable bed awaiting our arrival.  My Barrelassin hubby got some work out of the way the next morning before we got back on the road headed back down to Kansas City, MO.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

ON THE ROAD AGAIN PART 1

So I hit the road with my Barrelassin' hubby on his business trip. This has been a very busy few days. We've been barrelassin' all over the place.
We left hometown Tennessee and made our first stop in St. Louis, MO, where we enjoyed some wonderful wings and slept in a beautiful hotel-The DoubleTree Union Station.(Let me just say, AMAZING place. I would love to go back and take my family!)
We woke up and took complete advantage of the free tour Anheuser Busch offers complete with samples!
We then hopped in the rental car and Barrelassed until 4 a.m. when we reached Hays, KS...more to come.
Enjoy, Barrelassers :)

Monday, September 2, 2013

MY HOUSE IS LIKE A SITCOM- ALWAYS

I love living in this house! It’s a laugh a minute. So earlier, my daughter’s friend went into the bathroom and the knob wouldn't let her out for some reason and she was stuck. My son, Timmy was trying to rescue her by turning on the knob and pushing on the door- it made a small crack in the center when he continued to push on it. He said he was going to wait until my husband, Jay, noticed it before he told him.
She got stuck again, then I got stuck, then I forgot about it.
Jay just went to the bathroom and on the way in he yelled, “Who broke the bathroom door?” Timmy said, “I did.” I was like, “you sure owned up to that awful fast.” Timmy says, “That’s okay, he can’t do anything, now he’s stuck in the bathroom.” Me and my other son,  Noah, could not stop laughing.
Jay was knocking on the door saying it wasn't funny, and we were on the other side with the credit card asking, “Are you gonna say anything about the door when you get out?” Timmy then said, “I could get you out but I’m afraid I might crack the door.” Needless to say, Jay got stuck, now the door is being fixed. These people are too funny. 

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)