Friday, July 26, 2013

NOT A HOT-MESS...WHEN THE DRYER WON'T HEAT

So the dryer is no longer heating. It seems it went on strike. My husband took it apart last night, but still no word on if they've reached an agreement, or if and when it will be coming back to work anytime soon. 
Knowing the dryer wouldn't heat made me instantly assume the entire house was dirty.  A knee-jerk reaction I’ll admit. 
As I opened the dishwasher this morning I counted blessings and found myself thankful that it wasn’t the dishwasher that refused to cooperate. This means I would rather have dirty clothes than wash dishes, I guess. 
I told the kids it was no problem, I could still wash clothes and dry them in t sun, but just to be sure, everyone should turn their underwear inside-out at least once. 
I don’t think they’re going to sign- off on this arrangement. 

Enjoy, Barrelassers :)
Barrelasser Mickey


Friday, July 19, 2013

UNICORNS DO EXIST!

Unicorns do exist, and apparently appear in the shape of teenage sons with bad language on their shirts. The question is, do I try to ground him or make him pose for a photo? Clearly, this was the appropriate choice. Teenagers are why people drink and I needed a good excuse for a glass of Champagne anyway. Cheap Champagne, that is. My other option was a trusty ole PBR, but  the Champagne makes it appear like I'm just sipping a drink and nobody counts how many glasses you've had until the bottle is empty.
 Enjoy Barrelassers :)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

TWO ROUND-TRIP TICKETS TO NARNIA PLEASE!

So my 19 yr. old son just broke it all down for me...

When his friend offered his condolences to him over the break-up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, and told him there's a billion  other girls out there, my son came to this conclusion:

Out of a billion  girls, she would have to be "hot." That right there knocks it down to millions of girls.
Out of millions of girls, he'd have to know she wasn't a complete skank. That narrows his options down to hundreds of thousands of girls.

By the time he subtracts the ones that are psychotic in the head, his search field is narrowed considerably to thousands of girls.

He then has to assume that the ones that would be content, happy, or just simply willing to be with him would narrow it down to hundreds of girls.

He then declared this leaves him on a search for one girl out of hundreds spread out across the entire world, and he doesn't think she's here in hometown, Tennessee.

When I asked him where he thinks she might be, he explained he would like to start the search in Narnia, so he will need me to clean his closet.
My response: "The bitch better be magical!"

Enjoy Barrelassers :)

THE DAY AFTER MID-WEEK COSMO!

So it's the day after mid-week Cosmo night. Things are looking good.My hair is under control, it's a little bright out here, but I'm a freakin' survivor!
Enjoy Barrelassers :)


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

COSMO NIGHT

I'll be sure to post the day after Cosmo nights face tomorrow morning.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

IF YOU HAVE PMS...READ THIS OR KISS OFF!

I know you're trying to be nice, but it's okay to bite everyone's heads off. Eat all the chocolate chip cookies you can get your hands on, with milk, don't work-out, get in bed and lock the damn door so nobody can bother you!

Feeling bloated and fat? So the hell what! Dare someone to say something about it while you're in this mood! People think you're being bitchy? Give them a reason and then demand they slide more cookies under the door. If they really love you, they'll lace your cookies with Midol and crush a Vicodin in your Vodka for dinner that THEY better be cooking for you! And if they don't, kick their asses out... stupid screwballs!

Try to get a good night's sleep now y'all!
Enjoy Barrelassers :)

MY EBOOK ON YOUR PC! 'I ONLY WROTE THIS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF! ONLY $1.99

Did you know that you can download eBooks right to your PC? Just go to the site where you wish to make your purchase and look for the link that says other device or PC and click on it to follow any other instructions.

Now that we've got that out of the way, head on over to Amazon.com, Smashwords.com, or even try Barnes and Noble or Sony Reader to get a copy of my new eBook, appropriately titled, I Only Wrote This...To Piss People Off! Here's a couple of links for you:



http://www.amazon.com/Only-Wrote-This-To-People-ebook/dp/B00DDHLSM6/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373392166&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=ionly+wrote+this+to+piss+people+off

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/319453

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Best Maid of Honor Toast Ever (Eminem Rap) *Captions* VERY COOL!


HUMPFEST 2013! THE HUNGER GAMES!

Humpfest 2013 has officially kicked off! This is a week long, annual event that takes place at my house each July. Every year, my best friend goes on vacation and I dogsit for her. I have my own four lb. Chihuahua, so we add to the mix, two more Chihuahuas and a large Boxer. My four lb. Chihuahua, George, thinks that Rocky, the large Boxer, is his boyfriend.

So I raise a toast to George and Rocky: Let the games begin! May the odds forever be in your favor!



HANK WILLIAMS- KAW-LIGA HIJACKED THE REST OF JULY!


If you're just waking up from your 4th of July party, and you're still hung- over, then you must've had a fantastic time! Congrats! Too bad you probably have no idea, though. As for me, I'm still singing Kaw- Liga! I woke up singing it yesterday and today, and will likely still be singing it until the next party. What we do we celebrate next? How long do I have t get ready?

Enjoy Barrelassers :)


Don't forget to pick up a copy of my eBook I Only Wrote This To Piss People Off! at any of the following locations:
http://www.amazon.com/Only-Wrote-This-To-People-ebook/dp/B00DDHLSM6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373121527&sr=8-1&keywords=I+only+wrote+this+to+piss+people+off

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/319453

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

TOMMY LEE'S ASS; THROUGH-OUT THE YEARS :)

Actual conversation 1990-ish.
Me (16 yrs old) : "Mom, I want to get my boyfriend Motley Crue, Dr. Feelgood tour tickets for his 16th birthday!"
Mom(48 yrs old) : "Okay! Great, but I wanna go, too. I'll drive you guys!"
Me: "Huh? I really don't think you'll like Motley Crue, mom."
Mom: "I like some of their stuff, me and your boyfriend's aunt will get tickets too and go with you guys."
Me : "Sure, I guess."

Flash forward twenty three years to 2013.

Me (now 39) : "Hey, Mom! Motley Crue is gonna be not very far away from here. I'd love to see them again. Wanna take a road trip, me and you, and go see the Crue?"
Mom (now 71) : "No thank you. I saw quite enough of Motley Crue and that Tommy Lee's ass hovering over my head half the night in nothing but a thong playing those drums!"

Me: "Oh yeah? I thought you liked them?"
Mom: "I don't know what the hell they even sing, or half the people you've drug me to see, but saying "I like them too" is a darn good way to watch my baby girl in those mobs of crazy ass people."
Me: "So I guess I might go then."
Mom:" When and where will they be? How long do I have to get ready?"
Me: "Lol, it's okay, we'll catch them next time, Momma." ;)