Sunday, June 30, 2013

LL Cool J - I Need Love :)

I requested this song so many times when I was thirteen years old, that the DJ said to stop calling lol! I guess he wasn't buying all my fake voices, trying to sound like a different caller each time :)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I was Michael Jackson's girlfriend when I was little. He didn't know it, but I  sure did lol. Our love was held together by zippered jackets, shiny gloves and countless hours of trying to moonwalk. I must have driven my mother crazy playing and re-playing the same Thriller album over and over and over.

 One Christmas, my mom got me the Michael Jackson doll, along with the Dolly Parton and Elvis doll. What a combination. I also received the Barbie McDonalds that same Christmas. Michael Jackson regularly worked at McDonalds and sold Elvis and Dolly Big Macs. In my house, you could wear a shiny glove and work the register.

 The Paparazzi  never bothered Dolly and Elvis. After all, back then, they were just Barbie's parents. I had the Marilyn Monroe doll as well and she was Michaels girlfriend at McDonalds. That was one happening burger joint!

 In all seriousness, I remember so well the day my mother called to tell me that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital, not breathing. I literally remember being in the carport of my friend's house, loading kids into a car, about to be on our way to an outdoor concert to have some fun. I'm pretty sure I first felt like this was one of those days that I've always known was coming. Then I quickly went into denial and spoke to mom as if she was over re-acting, and things were fine.

 A short time later, in the drive-thru of  Taco Bell, we had the radio on with all the breaking news and my mom calling me back and forth trying to update me, I clearly remember them stating that Michael Jackson had passed, then instantly they weren't sure, then again, they had confirmed it. My little heart dropped to my stomach and I fought the tears, not wanting to seem ridiculous to everyone else in the car.

 We went about our day at the show, only mentioning it occasionally, like how sad it was and such. Then I ended up marrying the TV so that I was able to keep up with every single piece of MJ coverage. I watched the entire funeral with a box of Kleenex and just sobbed. My tears were no match for such a touching and sad televised event. RIP Michael Jackson, King of Pop :(

Sunday, June 23, 2013


Today I set my very own record! I walked the track in two minutes flat! I got all gussied up in my track clothes. You know, the clothes that help make you feel more amazing anytime you exercise? Anyway, I'm getting off track here(pun intended.)

 Getting off track was exactly what I intended to do after only one minute and  half way around my first lap, when a man walked out of the woods with  a weed eater. I don't know if my heart actually stopped, but I know it was no longer beating at a healthy pace or rhythm once I saw him.

 My daughter was sitting in our car chillin' when this all took place. I continued the last half stretch toward my car, all the while pretending to admire the trees on each side, my head darting from side to side as I secretly kept my eyes on how far behind me the weed eating murderer was walking. I reached the part of the track nearest our car with my very best "everything's all cool, you didn't just scare the shit out me" attitude just in time to pretend I needed to stop and ask my daughter a question before the killer closed in on me. I'm sure I was very inconspicuous, like a spy. I made it  just in time for the murderer to continue walking right past us.

 Maybe it's just me, but it seemed a little suspicious that he walked across the street and began his weed eating cover character over there. I asked my daughter what she thought I should do, she gave me her most puzzling look and told me that I should probably continue my walk. I started to, I tried as hard as I could, I even took a few steps, then I heard the weed eater slow down, almost to a complete stop. It was then that  I realized if I kept going, and I reached the far side of the track and that man came back across the street, I would surely die. Probably of a heart attack before he had time to kill me, but either way, I would be dead.

 I decided to leave and finish my walk at home, where the streets are safe. This is how the conversation between me and my daughter went down next:
Daughter: "You only walked one lap."
Me: " Excuse me, a man came walking out of the woods at me!"
Daughter: "With a weed eater!"
Me: "Well, it may as well have been a chainsaw and a hockey mask. Take me home."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013


Holy shit! Waiting for the marked drowsiness to kick in from my Benadryl! Magnum P.I. and Murder She Wrote just crossed paths! It is either officially past my bedtime, or I am actually asleep. Possibly even time travel. Not sure yet. :/ Magnum is about to be charged and needs Jessica's help. Luckily for him, she happens to always be in the area whenever a murder takes place. He's going to wait for her to re-enact the whole situation, and then I'm sure she'll figure it all out, making it possible for Magnum to spend just under a TV hour in the slammer. Magnum's sole job on this episode is to sit behind bars and let Jessica Fletcher put the puzzle together. As cheesy as it seems now, naturally, I'm glued to the TV and a little nervous, hoping against all odds that she can do it!
Wrap your heads around that Barrelassers. Enjoy :)


Tuesday, June 18, 2013


I loved Beverly Hills Cop when I was a kid! I loved Eddie Murphy in everything! Trading Places was hilarious to me, but his stand-up was the best. I wasn't nearly old enough to be watching Eddie Murphy's stand-up, but I did. I watched it every chance I got. I'm pretty certain that I was the only fifth grader wearing a Lawd Have Murphy shirt to school. My Barrelassin mom went and saw that show live, and I cried and was so upset that she wouldn't take me with her, but she did bring me a shirt. Thanks  mom ;) I can't imagine the humiliation she would've felt had she took an eleven year old child to see Eddie Murphy live, however, mom, I think that was my last shot. She suggested I see Whitney Houston instead of Motley Crue when given the choice, because she said Whitney may never come back to our town. She was right, we saw her, it was fantastic, and she never came back. I should've thought to use this logic with Eddie Murphy. I still haven't seen him :/
"I got some Ice-cream, and you don't have none."
Goony Goo-Goo Barrelassers :)

Sunday, June 16, 2013


I hope all the daddys out there had a totally rockin' Father's Day today! We had a blast today celebrating with my kids and the husband and close friends. I love my husband and all, and he's a wonderful  dad to my kids (and technically he's their stepfather.) He's been with them for 11 years and they are his!! He loves them and they love him. I love him, too, but I'm crossing my fingers right now that when I step into the living room, he's asleep on the couch so I  can have the one beer in the refrigerator. I love him and all, he's a great dad to the kids, but I really want that beer to drink while I watch the Housewives and fall asleep! We'll see, I guess. I spent part of my relaxing day explaining to a 76 yr old woman that my favorite show involves two women who hate one another, and I'm pretty sure the root of it all is Sprinkle Cookies. The RHONJ holds my attention; I can't help it.  Let's go see about that beer; Andy Cohen's got the 411.
He's the king of midnight fun! Enjoy Barrelassers :)

Saturday, June 15, 2013


Nobody in the music industry was more adorable than Cindy Lauper in the eighties! I was a grown woman before I was finally able to see her live. She was pregnant with her son and opening for Tina Turner. How amazeballs is that? Two super women performing at the same show! That reminds me, we got tickets for my Barrelassin mom's birthday. Several of us were attending the show. We lived about an hour away from the venue. The very moment that I was parking in the garage, my Aunt realized that she had left her ticket at home. So, her son, my cousin, gave her his ticket and literally Barrelassed back to the house and back (getting a speeding ticket on the way back) with the ticket. Fortunately, we had arrived early enough in the first place that the show had just started when he made it to his seat. Now here I am, learning that Cindy is kicking off a 2013 tour. I'm thinking this calls for a Girl's Just Wanna Have Fun Road Trip! Now I just need to get my Barrelassin girls on board and we'll be good to go. Maybe they'll read this and take the hint ;)
After all, Time After Time; Girls Just Wanna Have Fun any damn way!
Enjoy Barrelassers :)

Friday, June 14, 2013


I can't count the number of times that me and Barrelassin cousin tried to dress like this. We'd watch this video, sing the song and shimmy our shoulders like Pat. We were young, heartache to heartache we stood. No promises; No demands. Oh who am I kidding? Love was certainly not a battlefield for a couple of nine year olds on a dead end street, with nothing better to do than pretend to be Pat Benatar on a Saturday afternoon. But we sure could sing it while making it seem so dramatic. The fake look of pain on our faces must have been priceless as we shimmied our way onto the battlefield of love (probably the Sesame Street swing set in the backyard.)

If I'm being honest, I still love a good shoulder shimmy.
Love is Battlefield Barrelassers. Enjoy it :)

Thursday, June 13, 2013


Seriously! Today has been one hell of a Barrelassin day. It started all good. Took my momma to her appointment at The Women's Center, it went great right up until they called a "code grey" for a tornado and we were all stuck there in the hallway taking cover. I felt perfectly safe, but my Barrelassin kids were scattered around the county with their friends. They were fine, but I was on edge when we were "released"  and free to go leave. I'm trying to get my mom's car to a garage that is waiting for me before they close so that they can take a look at mom's window that has now slid down and won't go back up, in the pouring, tornado rain. My 71 year old mother is now holding plastic over it as we scoot down the road. At a stop light, I check my phone, the light turns green, I don't step on the gas quick enough for the police officer behind me, he pulls me over (it has stopped raining now), instantly accuses me of texting, I say I'm not, he calls me a liar, he gets really rude and hateful with me, makes me cry, grits his teeth and tells me I'm directing my anger toward the wrong person. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...let me think about this. I'm pretty sure I'm directing my anger in the exact direction, of the very person that is pissing me off. I'm crying because he's rude, and I'm a baby, but mostly because I can't control the fact that I know I'm right, he's wrong, and he has all the authority; there's nothing I can do but allow him to talk to me this way. Believe me, I know how to act with an officer, I'm no idiot, but he was down right rude to me!! Of course he kept telling me I was arguing with him; it didn't matter what I said. But I felt he was getting a little too close to my face in the window gritting his teeth, so naturally, I explained to him that I felt like I was being attacked. Not physically, but he wanted to be all "oh now I'm attacking you, huh?" WTF was wrong with this guy? I don't live in a town where the police act this way toward the citizens. I felt like I was in the big city now! Finally, I cry enough, nearly sending me into a serious panic attack, for real, he gives me some sort of ticket and tells me to just go pay some other amount and not go to court, blah, blah,blah, I leave, the garage is now closed, I meet and get in the car with my husband, in the next town over, fifteen miles away, he double parks in a fire zone to drop some movies off at the Red Box, a cop walks by and is pissed at me, I move the car, but for real, now I'm thinking "did all the cops in the county get their asses chewed today and perhaps they're directing their anger toward me.?.?." It could happen. Anyway, the police are watching you and it sure as hell isn't Sting!! P.S. whatever you do, don't touch your phone at the light, and even though I wasn't texting anyone...updating your Facebook status could cost you $103.00 ;) Just sayin'
Yeah, this is definitely not the police who pulled me over today!!

Enjoy Every Breath You Take Barrelassers :)


Clearly, this isn't meant to be the way it looks. But my Barrelassin husband couldn't resist! If this is how you celebrate your Father's Day, It really should be, like, NOBODY'S BUSINESS! ;)


Yay me Barrelassers! My new eBook I Only Wrote This To Piss People Off! is now available on Amazon for Kindle edition. Go check it out! Yay me!! ;)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


With all the Big Brother in the news lately, I can't help but think that perhaps Rockwell was on to something long ago. They tried to tell us. I'm willing to bet a lot of people have been singing this song recently. The thing is...I've just always assumed they were always watching us anyway, probably thanks to this video. Damn! I probably had years of privacy until now and didn't even know it! I could've picked my nose or scratched my butt anywhere I wanted to without worrying. I wasted it! It's all cool, though; I'm almost forty; not too many more years till I don't give a damn what people see or hear from me. One of these days, I'll be able to fart right in line at the grocery store and not care; just laugh when people make the face and blame it on the dog.

I always feel like...somebody's watching meeeeeeeee Barrelassers; enjoy :/

Monday, June 10, 2013


Well, I've finally made it. I'm now old enough to dance around and sing along to Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days and have it all actually make a little more sense in my life. I mean, I'm not thinking about a girl I used to know, I am a happily married woman, and I had absolutely nothing to do with Baseball (except one time when I was in grade school, I was gonna try out for the Baseball team, I have no idea who's idea that was, but me and two of my Barrelassin cousins were gonna do it, so all of our mothers bought us matching jersey type shirts, balls, bats, and gloves so we could practice at home first. I recall the day I was gonna tie my shoe and as I stood up, I got nailed in the head with the bat as my cousin proceeded to hit the ball. I lived. But it was all just a stupid, stupid idea.) Anyway, the point is, I've always liked that song, and I used to sing it so proudly, even though, I was just a kid, and had yet to experience the glory days that Bruce sings about. I hadn't even been to high school yet, but now that I have, and my glory days are slightly different than the ones Bruce sings about, I at least have enough days behind me now to reflect on some of my very own glory days.

Here's to ya Barrelassers, enjoy :)

Sunday, June 9, 2013



It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme, that's right, on time, it's tricky. I can't imagine how Run DMC was even able to come up with that. I'd say it was tricky for that line alone. It's even trickier when you're an eleven year old kid in your room, trying desperately to rock a rhyme with Run DMC, all you want is your Adidas, cause you be illin', and you're so proud to be black y'all...but wait, you're a skinny little, seriously Casper like, white girl.

 I used to ride around with my older cousin, blasting Proud to be black y'all, and that's a fact y'all, over and over on some days, and we must have looked ridiculous!! Ridiculous because, sometimes we would sit in the driveway, of a predominantly black neighborhood, and blast these songs like we were the toughest bitches in all the land, but in reality, I was eleven, weighed about sixty-five pounds if that, I mean, I fractured my elbow from doing a regular cartwheel because my arm wasn't strong enough to hold up my own body weight, which tells you how small my arm was. I hardly think I was tough enough to even wear Adidas, let alone display to the world my pride for being black, all while rocking a rhyme let's not forget.

 I guess what Run DMC says is probably true, "Tinted windows don't mean nothing ; they know who's inside." However, nobody ever said anything, they just let us sit over there and rock our rhymes like we were pros. That goes to show, it doesn't really matter what the lyrics are or the color of your skin, as long as the cool jams move you inside :) I still love Run DMC! When I went to see Kid Rock a few years ago, I was more excited to see Rev Run than anyone in the whole building, and trust me, I was illin'!

It's Tricky Barrelassers, but enjoy :)

Saturday, June 8, 2013


Can anyone tell me why we did this? Shorts over sweatpants? What the hell was that all about anyway? Was it strictly fashion, or was there some weird reason for it? I know back then, I was of the opinion that it was a really cool look, but looking back on it now, it's the over-all concept that I'm having trouble with.

 I mean, one day, someone was like, "These sweatpants are simply not enough. I think I should put my shorts on over them." I get now why most of us have such a problem with kids who wear their pants sagging to the ground (Other than the fact that it's just stupid),  It's because when we were growing up, we were accustomed to wearing all the clothes we had at the same time to create a fashion statement. We even wore all the jewelry we owned at the same time. One bracelet was not enough, we needed fifteen on each arm, a ring on every finger,  and ten different earrings...IN ONLY OUR EARS!

 Now they barely dress, and put the rings all over their face. We wore leg warmers with shorts and bathing suits for crying out loud!! But why, why on Earth did we wear a pair of shorts over our sweatpants? You think about that and get back to me, America.

 "I'm burning up, burning up for your love" (or more likely because I'm wearing sweatpants over my shorts.)
 Enjoy Barrelassers :)

Friday, June 7, 2013


What the hell ever!! I will no longer be following this rule. I don't know who's idea it was, but it's pure bullshit! If you slug're getting knocked the hell out. No more hiding behind the "no punch back" clause. Not happenin'.  This rule no longer applies. Let this serve as a warning.

"Hey Mickey" is your song today. Because my name is Mickey, and I just assume that I'm so fine.
Enjoy Barrelassers:)



Check it out and keep rockin' Barrelassers :)

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


I'm pretty sure if Bravo comes out with one more Housewives show, or spin-off,  I will no longer be able to watch another TV network. Bravo is pretty much taking up most of my TV viewing time, and I'm not complaining. In fact, I want more! Tonight, I won't be Tardy for Kim's party and Kathy Griffin has ANOTHER STAND-UP SPECIAL that I can barely wait for!

 I want to be one of the Housewives of anywhere. Maybe  I could be an honorary Housewife!! This is how that would go down...I live in the country, I listen to 80's rock music on a regular basis, but I love to dress up, and I'm completely convinced that I will one day be a guest on WWHL with Andy Cohen. I'm not sure why yet, I just always assume that I will be. It's not a matter of "if" it's a matter of "when." I better get my act together, huh?

 Oh yes, and I think the second guest should either be Valerie Bertinelli or someone from the rock band Cinderella! I chose Valerie because duh, she's so dang cute, funny, has great hair pieces and of course because she's not only an inspiration to women everywhere, but she was also once married to my favorite guitarist, Eddie Van Halen. I chose Cinderella, because that's who I've been stuck on again this week. My daughter hates to ride with me when I start digging through the CD's. These kids have no clue:(

Enjoy Barrelassers :)

Mickey Bryan ~  Check out my eBook